Well if it is raining...

I am only happy when it rains. Yes, yes I am the bad guy everyone say it together. I am primarily talking about my horscope, that says I shouold get over what is bothering me. That I am not going to be feeling good today, that skeletons will come out of the closet. That seeing my favorite face will not cure it, and that no one is going to understand. Aaaaaaaaaaa ha ha ha ha ha. Well, if that is how it is going to be. Let the rain come down...I can take it. I'm only happy when it rains. I am not going to feel bad about anything for as long as I can help it. I am not going to use this day to come clean to everyone, to build up things. I am not going to use this day to tell everyone about us. Forget, it the lot of them really do not deserve to know, and the time and energy it would take for me to explain, would be wasted. Besides, no more misunderstanding, I do not like them, and they can so much time to clean up afterwards. But, I have come up with someone new is everyone listening. I am happy! Ok, so that is not really new, I am not going to gloss over Maya. Its really a bad thing to do, I mean, I can not stand when people gloss me over. As if I am not important enough to mention, and its not really that its other people's understanding that erks me. So, if they can not take the whole truth, they deserve to know nothing...how does that sound? Ahem, like my parents...he he he he. I have been cruel, and not even on purpose, not that it makes it any better, help its another excuse, back back. So...umm...yeah what else to say about that? I have no clue. I do not know, I am really not in the mood to go sorting through everything, but something tells me pretty soon I am going to analize everything, too much and confuse myself again. I am allowed right? Not really, but it is cool. Wierd conciedences have started to happen...and I wonder if it is all connecting. Am I really as honest with myself as much as I could be? It makes me wonder, it truly does... All the questions I had in my mind I always seem to forget, isn't that a total rip? Yes, so there are three of us now, offically? Yipes...in that yipping cartoonish way...its going to kill my poetric steak. Ummm yeah right, when was that last time I oh yes, a week or so ago. Who knows...I really haven't a clue...I will have to read over Eeeevvvvvvvvveeeeeeeeerrrrrryything...or have someone do it for me. I keep reorganizing everything, so often I wonder if I am boring any of my friends to death. Me me me me...even I get sick of me. I know, what kind of egotist am I? I have no idea what to call Maya besides...Maya. That sounds safe to me. And we will go with safe ladies and gentlemen simply because...I do not want to go dancing tonight? Yes...finally I have clearance...I can be conservative! Aha...it took me some time but I did it. La la...what else. Oh yes...there is this boy. He is a friend... And I wondered...what would be thought of it. Well...not to point any fingers and I am not. He woke up this morning spitting up blood. No...no we do not know the cause, he is going to a doctor? But, it is just enough of an oddity, for me to wonder, exactly what it is I think of him. I always feel more comfortable being touchy when I am taken. However, if I think about it, how kindly will that be looked up...and it does seem that such things do happen. Eerm...oops...hehehe...or ooops you are being too paranoid. And now and now to other things. I wonder just a bit if I am taking myself way too seriously, I wonder, if this is all just not a series of time, that will be forgotten tomorrow. Uh oh...its is my reailty the reality or is my reality my reality and everyone is living somewhere else time? Just for a moment, ah look it passed. Certainity...oh what a wonderful concept. I ask all these questions, but do I really...I mean really want any answers. Am I jealous? I think I can be extremely so, if ever I am. BAM...grrrrrrrrrr...but I never say anything. As if it makes it any better. Well, if I have to suffer, those own private sufferings you do it in silence I always say...oops...think. I am not meloncholy just thinking, alloud...so if anyone comes up to me saying I am sad, I will just blink at them. For a bit of difference, I got a letter today, and it said much much information. And I read it. Well, I have a question, does the groom, in a wedding, get credit for doing everything up to the point of the actual marriage ceremony but in walking down the aisle...runs in the opposite direction? No...he doesn't why? Because it was the final stretch...and you are expected to get married not prance around up until then. Because...what is the hardest part in the wedding? Oh...people can say..preparing...they can say..it is actually getting engaged the relationship up til then. Its the getting married part. Why because all of the insecurites, all of the fears, all of the crud, that you thought you were fine with, or things you are just realizing come to surface on that long...long walk down the aisle. To be more...blunt...that is when the dust gets stirred at the bottom of box, and gets blown into the room. Now...the groom was there...but suddenly what if this groom...when they asked if anyone opposes this marriage, raised his hand. Now, you could say...this friend is not the groom, but any part of the wedding party could do...really. Its also misleading...to have just two people up there, but its my analogy...and I am even tearing it apart of it gets its point across. Seriously, though. This whole situation really make me look at how I view certain aspects...and how everyone views them...etc. Maybe I am really a lot more stranger then I ever thought I was. But truly...they can all go somewhere with themselves. he he he that was to the opposition which has yet to speak. Its a strange condition. Getting what you want. Getting more then you want. You have no idea what to do there, but sit there for about 5 mintues and try to make sense of everything, do you ever get over it? I have no idea. I hope so...I still have moments when it is quite enough...and I think... What the hell? Just WHAT THE HELL...someone give me a cue-card. But...then I think...he he he...damn cool. And I smile. Because it is. And I guess that is all there is too it ne? Yeah right...ha ha ha ha if I was really that simple... I could be with a hand puppet because hand puppets are cool...ok ok really bad analogy. Eeer...very tempted to erase it but I hope someone will get a laugh out of it. Argh nostaglia make it stop. Could, would I take a step backwards... It seems like all of my ex...somethings..are popping out of nowhere...single. And have I thought about them...and me. No. I am so not interested...it feels like I never was...it is the creepiest thing. Yay... Nostagila...over. No wait...hot dang. Stupid mp3... Yeah...back Nostagila...sorry peoples. I think, this is like my period to run away screaming. he he he he he. I do not run...I jump...not really. If I think about it...it is though is it not? Wierdness ratio is too much have to go now. Simplicity was not really what I wanted but some of it...would be appreciated. And I think...if I would want it another way. With Rebecca. With Jasmines any which one... Hell...with Sai...with Maurie...with any of those people...Andy. And I just shake my head. No. Not if they came back...and said I love you I realized I was wrong. There is nothing there for them anymore. It just ice... So, it is finally over...offically unofficaly...and I can not say...there is no exit. It at my feet. I am laughing, and then I ignore it. Never had these many choices before...never have considered them choices... I am usually set...and after I make it...the others kind of fade...out. Not come jumping right at me... Its funny...I don't want them. Its sad...I would not want to go backwards, and that is all there is to it. So...it can stop now...I can ignore them. Out of the picture you all go. Phew...I said...it I thought it...horrah. Nostoligia...has been given its notice...bai bai. I just wish everyone was not so far away. Its a change of theme song again. Well enough of me...blah blah blahing away. Maybe some more later...I doubt it. Beauty marked this page on... Friday, May 31, 2002; 02:14 p.m.

And the band played on

Well, I can not say that everything is well, but things are looking better then they have looked in a long time. I can honestly and without reserve say, nothing will ever be the same again. On surface level, my mom actually talked to me about the whole dropping classes thing, and I am going to summer school. Andy did not come to school today. I talked to Bronx about things in the cafe today. My dog woke me up with growling at the closet, there was nothing there. Deeper...go...deeper... So, I knew last night, that Jean was not going to call me. It just so happened, it did not go through...wierd huh? I knew I would get an e-mail. It just so happened that I did, from Rachel concerning a dream. I told her about us. What can I say, I had a conversation with someone...Tenjou I think... via the profile again today...it gets eaiser, I was not so freaked. Rachel and I came to an understanding with Jean and their help today. Really what it came down to this... I am okay...I am okay with it. I am okay with them. I think my freaking out period just ended. I think Niisan helps...when Niisan can help explain...and I can help explain and we talk... It helps a lot when you are not the only one saying...go team... She said...it means you are okay with them. And I am. I mean...I am not going to be telling everyone about everything...ie Maya. But it has more to do with the understanding level and besides most people...don't even know I have a girlfriend, or ever did. Oh, I told Rebecca, that I had a girlfriend. Thanks to the whole Washington then. I spoke to her, and I felt nothing...we laughed a lot. It was nice to hear from her. There was no stupid pain thing, that some would call regret...I did not mention Maya though. We only had 5 mintues...and no use trying to explain such details to my ex-girlfriend right? Its hard to explain when you really do not get it...get it anyway. I think this pond is a lot deeper then me...or Niisan knows, and such statements have a way of falling through. There are not other sides of the fence...we are all standing on the same ground. Innocent. I would not really call myself innocent. Or childlike...I would not say that either. Who knows though...anyway. Just a little bit of what happened today. Beauty marked this page on... Tuesday, May 28, 2002; 11:55 p.m.

Eraser

So, I was picking things off my bedroom floor, as I am prone to do. Especially when my leaving is based upon my room and my bathroom being clean. It has been clean for awhile...really but lately I had taken too dumping the contents of whole bags carelessly unto the floor. Literally, walking upon a fine sheet of a conglumerate of papers...of varying worhlessness. Anyway, I came across some pictures, that for some annoying reason I always keep with me. Temporary insanity or not...I haven't the faintest clue. I am of course speaking of the two physical pictures I have of Rebecca. I picked them up, there were in the similiar positions, one the larger one, was disfigured, bent, but not torn. The smaller less paper of the photographs was not bent, but was not what anyone would call a good picture. Anyway...I looked down, it was in my hands at the time. And I wondered...why did I keep it? Why, do I keep anything she gave me...with all rights, it takes up space...and the feelings are all moot. That being the case...it should all be put in a bag and scattered to the winds. Or the less dramatic and more practical of the suggestions, stuffed in a garbage can. However, then I had this thought. You can not erase her... I blinked. Was that what I do? Is that what I did...over and over again? And then another thing occured to me. It hurt...to look at that stupid picture. Bad...really it just hit me. I started crying...just a few tears. But really...it was pathetic... And then I realized... I never dealt with that. I never dealt with her ripping my heart into little shreds. With the fact, that I put everything on the line...and she said it was not good enough. The fact, that love was not good enough for her, and that I had been a part of any relationship that had turned out that way. Sure, I do not love her anymore. That is the truth...not like I did, never will again. Truly, I do not go backwards. I just convinced myself, that I did not care. That it did not matter, because I do not love her, and that there was no real damage done. I never really did tell her, what I felt. I never really did let her know all I really was. At least sometimes...but towards the ending...I did. And I got stabbed for it...right in the heart. Of course I pulled it out. Put a bandaid on it...and proclaimed it nonexistant. So here, it goes... Should she be erased? Or should I merely tell her that she really screwed me over, and to go striaght to hell? Or am I just having a wierd day, and should shut up about it. Well, I usually opt for the first, it is less messey that way, and if no one every mentioned her again that would work. Unfortunately, she is a point of refference for some things now, so that kind of kills it. Besides, see no evil, speak no evil, hear no evil does not work with people...for the most part. The second one. I can not do, no I will not do. It goes against my principles to let anyone know how much they hurt me. I just pull the knife out...and smile...before crushing it underneath my boot...and never giving them a chance to get that close again. And believe you me...if they are there to see it...they feel it. I guess, that is what I will do. Grit my teeth and shut up. It hurts yes yes...it hurts. It was not fair, blah blah blah. I am sick of listening to myself complain about how much my life has not been all that I want it to be. But in truth...she is inconsequential in my current scheme. That was the old plan. So, I just move on. But...it seems odd in a way. It is like...the more complete you are... On either side of whatever spectrum you are... The more you can no longer, hide things from yourself. I know you could say it just stops working...bs. You always deny certain things about yourself if you really want to. You can limit the appearance, to everyone of certain emotions as you see fit. And minimize the damage done...but putting some type of solve on it and then, ignoring the progress. Its not exactly lying to yourself... Its more like...you simply decide you are not going to hurt any more...and it stops. And maybe it would have stopped ultimately...had not my situation changed...I really can not say. All I know is...you just keep moving. No time to cry for long...you can not just walk around crying... What are you doing, still crying? Get over it, you don't care...not anymore. None, of this cry yourself a river, build a bridge and get over it. I never give myself enough time to do any such thing. It happens...I mourn for a couple of days...at the most a week, and then...I get over it. Not a bad system. Except, when it goes deeper then that... Then you have to just ignore it. Which is fine... Until you realize that a couple of months later, that hey lookie here. Quite by accident, it still stings a little, to look at her picture. Of course it stings you idiot, that is a picture of someone who you gave almost all you could...and for that she broke your heart. If it didn't hurt...then you are not dealing with something. Well boys in girls...for the most part, it was a second thought and nothing. I guess it took awhile for me to come over to this...I really wish the reach did not go this far. I really would rather not deal with this now...since the relationship is over, the thoughts should be over, as should the feelings and the pain. Turn off! Nope... Turn on on on... he he he he...sorry I thought that slight quote applied. Different subject, same...thing. So here it is. All I really know is... I kept my promise...and that is all a person can really do in a relationship. Its funny...when you are so sure of things, that no one can tell you any different. And in the end, you are the one to turn it into dust and scatter it to the winds. But you weren't right you were, wrong. And someone always knew it before you but did not tell, you doesn't that just make it even more ironic? So here I am... Different different place... Different different... But at least in most of that situation, I was in control. I could drop the ball, and even if I stung, I would not be too bruised from it. And here... Lets not talk about here. Rebecca was dark. Tenjou is light. Enough said...Niisan gets it. Ah...funny little stories all in a row. It because of something...that I am even noticing this crud, at the bottom of the barellel. But its healing more in the light, isn't it? I do not like looking at it, its admitting weakness. And I refuse to be weak. Funny, when all of your standards for yourself go up...you somehow get left holding the bag. Oh well, if anyone is suppose to get burned for their value systems what better then their maker. I at least know that I adhere to mine. I can let go of this now... I can let go of her...I had no idea how closely I was keeping her. And in the end it doesn't even matter, I let you go, Rebecca...I do not need this cross to bear any more. Is stupid and its chidlish and I am not doing it. I will never come to this exact place, again...and I am never going back there. Truly...it is done. So now comes the next question... How do I know it is not doomed to repeat? Well, I know, that the situation is totally different, in every aspect. I do not know how to describe it...but it does not need such good ligthing. I am confident, that I will not get trampled on, perhaps even optomistic. It is more of a balance this way...I would guess. Looks like the spectrum is larger then we orginally thought Niisan. Oops, would be at term I would use...but its not to late...to notice it. And so...all three...all five...and six or seven...I have no real idea how long it continues for or when it stops..but that we shall see. I do not forget Lestat, it was his quote I used... Well, more questions arise with more answers, and I guess that has always been the way. Needless to say roleplaying, seems to be frivilious, but I have nothing else of substance to do... Anyway, it feels like I should say more...but I will stop for now...maybe lay down or go back to my cleaning. Either way... Fin Beauty marked this page on... Saturday, May 25, 2002; 02:06 p.m.

Another decision

So...I made a decision today. I had an idea for a story, actually it is an all girl's school mirroring some aspects of my real life. There was an element that I was going to leave out. It was my specific part of a spectrum. Speaking with Niisan, made me change my mind. There is no MY...part of the spectrum. Sometimes you are linked, to someone or something because they are linked to something or something. And I realized, I was being an idiot and forgetting it. So, I guess, with will be all three of us there. Louis, Lestat and Claudia. If you can not guess who I am, I am the girl...the young one. I am forever a child someone help. Which is not to say the relationship is the same, because it is not. However, I made a...agreement...a relationship. I am going to stick to it and so... Wherever Claudia goes...Louis goes...with Lestat. So, I guess this is really a new new thing. I just wanted to make a statement...not sure anyone but Niisan got it. He he he...or should I say Armand ne? he he he he he...uhhh and his protege, oui? Er...uh ha ha ha ha ha ha. The way I see it...who will never be able to make more vampires I am! I got the short end of the stick...I really did. Lestat is beautiful...sexy...talented...charming. Louis...is innocent...green eyes...I like green eyes. And Claudia is umm...eer...uhhh...scary...manipulative...4 feet tall... Ok, not four feet...but she dies! I die...come on. Ok, I guess this is the premeise that the rest of the storyline does not apply. Anyway...I went way too long and this is silly. More later... Bai...everyone. Beauty marked this page on... Thursday, May 23, 2002; 09:05 p.m.

The world is ablaze.

From what I've tasted of Desire. But for me the world shall end in Fire. 5-21-02 Beauty marked this page on... Wednesday, May 22, 2002; 11:56 p.m.

Conscience

Where am I, I am sure one of you can tell me where I have gone. I just want to be alone…can anyone understand that I just want to be alone. Let me sit in my room alone. Just want to listen to the sound of silence that does not sound empty. Unfortunately, I have not found that. So I put on the music. I am sorry, was I suppose to act interested? I am interested, do you see me nodding. That means I am listening. Listening means I found it worth enough to pay attention. Or isn’t that enough? I guess not. Anyway, I am just sitting here. I felt like writing so I am writing. What am I writing? I do not know. I want to be in my solitude. Writing is better for my solitude. No, writing is bad for my solitude. Writing alleviates my thoughts from my heads. I have a mind. It is full of thoughts. I can give a voice to everyone one. I can tell you that…so many say different things. But basically the same… There is another voice. It is more like a whisper. It’s called a conscience. Yes, believe it or not I do have one. It had been hidden for such a long time. No, I am kidding. But, anyway. That just sounded poetic…conscience being hidden. It’s alive and well. And it says one thing. Over and over and over again. It just repeats itself I can almost hear it. It is in charge of my code… What code. Of course I have a code. Anyone who is anyone has a code. A code of conduct that they hold themselves to. It has to be the highest out of all. I guess, it would be called my idea of honor. And what is it my honor dictates that everything else is screaming against me to do. Even against my conscience, trying to correct it. It says…remember And I say…remember what. There is nothing to remember. There is nothing there anymore. It’s a chessboard. Who wants to remember a chessboard? My conscience shakes her head. Or his head rather. Whichever I decide the personification of my conscience. It really does not matter at this point. She merely smiles. I always know what she means. I like to pretend, it is some big enigmatic puzzle. But, I know what she means. I know. I know and the hell if I want to know. The hell if this is fun. The hell if there is a hell. Damn. Anyway, sometimes I have to actually listen. Yes, listen by hear it. Even though she speaks softly. She is supposed to yell? Jimmy Cricket had an umbrella. And she does not yell. I think I got screwed over. She doesn’t have little songs. She does not sing, she does not dance. All she does is speak softly to me. She knows what I have to do. She does not bother telling me, any more, then what she already said. Because, frankly, when she just stand there. And says nothing. Then I know. That is the most dangerous. Because it is probably everywhere. And nowhere…and not being done. Damn it all, if she ever suggests the easy way. The easy way. There is an easy way. I swear. No, really there has to be. It’s over there. It’s a chalk outline. No wait. I think someone shot it. Well, that is where it use to be. I apologize that you had to see it. It was alive, maybe it will come back. Yes, that is what I keep saying. Anyway, she never wants it that way. The cowards way usually. Believe it or not. I say I opt for it. Once in awhile I do it. Sometimes, she says it is ok. Like, with Rebecca. Oh, yes. Talk about Easy. Or with who else…Jasmine. Both of them. Now, that was even easier. With Sei-kun. Mmmm…easier still. No, everyone else faded into my memory. Easy, and justified. This is usually, and that was unusual. But traditionally, I speak of her. Anyway, she is speaking again. Its just that one word. Maybe I should just tell her to can it. It would not be unlike me to do it. Stuff her behind the door, that I stuff all the things, I do not want to hear. No, no more stuffing people behind doors. I am tired. I do not want to do that anymore. You ask. What about love? And I answer. What about it? Everything sooner or later comes down to logistics. I am sorry. I really am a romantic. But this is about, what I consider honorable as well. Or at least that is what she says. Do I believe a word that is coming out of her mouth? Sometimes. Do I know? I am sorry, was I still listening? Well she stop talking and is just standing there again. Just looking at me. She is the only one. The only one. I wish she would just be quiet. It would be easier if she would just be quiet. I can pretend to do what I do for so many other reasons. For outrage. For injustice. For not being told. For not being in a game. For the heck of it. Because I want it simplified. Because it is too complex. Because it is too weird. Because I have BETTER things to do with my time. I can just stamp everything null and void. I have the stamper in my hand. Ink readied. Paper, memories. I always liked stamping things. Its all a stupid chess board. I always loose at chess, anyway. She just smiles. I really dislike it when she does that. Me against my conscience. It must be very entertaining. Even I am entertained. So, I sit in my solitude. It is my decision, after all. Everything else is against my conscience. Why not me as well? Anyway, so here I go again. It really is a lot of fun. Just not today for some reason. So, like I was saying. Here we go again. And again and again and again. Until it is balanced. Or at least settled. Something close to that. It has to be close that otherwise it will not work. This will not work. That will not work. Nothing will work. I guess I better do it then. Joy of joys. It is time to balance. No, actually. The concepts have to be put in order. Then the details will come as they be. Details will be details. Such is life. So, here I go again. My decision. Is everyone listening. My conscience won. That is why she is smiling. She won. I lost. Why do I have to loose at stuff like this? How, should I know? Well you see it. The easy way was shot. I think she killed it. Oh, well. It has bound to fall down a flight of stairs anyway. So what did my conscience say? If you have no idea. Then you are not going to know. I remember, Ragnell. Beauty marked this page on... Tuesday, May 21, 2002; 04:08 p.m.

Question and Answer Time

So, I kept asking and asking until...something had to give right? Yes well something gave...and it gave and now it is all on the floor at my feet. I lean over slighty, brush off some of the debris and squint at the remains. What are the remains? Well, lets just say, that I had no idea what the world, but nonetheless revealed to me. What, am I going to do with this new information? Well, try to digest it firstly. And second, I am going to make plans. Not that it is the most solid of information, but hey, why not? I have the time...ne? Well, I hope I have the time. I mean, if I did not have the time, that would be a very large bummer. I wanted to have an id bracelet today, with the inscription, " From what I've tasted of Desire, the world will end in fire...etcetc." The rest of it really does not matter, I will just skip it. Anyway, I got interuptted and went to dinner. What an interuption, and now back to our regularly schedueled programming. Yeah...right. Everything to loose, nothing to gain. Everything to gain nothing to loose. Some to loose, more to gain. Some to gain, more to loose. You gain. You loose. You gain equally as much as you loose. You gain and loose nothing. Those are the choices, those are the possibilies. So which is it? We shall see. So which do I choose for my final judgement. We too shall see. Until then. Back to our normally scheduled broadcasting. Oh yes, I have something to say. Nah, forget it. Ok, fade out. Beauty marked this page on... Monday, May 20, 2002; 07:10 p.m.

Fuck Off

I know, there really is not reason for that type of language in normal circumstances, but it has far far passed exceeded such things. I am not challenging anything. No one is challenging anything. I want only one thing, that is to be left alone. That is for my friends to be left alone. I say this to the Ex. Fuck off. I am not going to be going anywhere. I know about you now, you made a mistake revealing yourself to me. Because now...I can do something about you. And I will...I will try all I can. You can not hurt me. Unfortunately, I almost fell for you devious little schemes. I am on my guard. I do not know how it is with you and her. I really do not care. All I know is, that I love Tenjou and I am not going anywhere. You want someone to go somewhere you can go. There is no challenge here. Do not mistake me. I will find her...wherever Tenjou has gone. I love her. And you can not stop it. I will not stumble again. You can not break it. I suggest, that you just leave us be. Anyway... That is my declaration. I love you Tenjou. Be safe...be well. I am thinking of you... Beauty marked this page on... Sunday, May 19, 2002; 10:20 p.m.

What do I think?

What do I think? What is it that I know? I woke up this morning...and I could almost be certain that I had no idea what I was feeling. There were so many theories and perspectives that I asked everyone to cook up, that gave me new insights, but in a way, added to the dimensions that I could put to it. I am glad for everyone's support and ideas, it means a lot that everyone has given it such deep consideration especially since, their lives are far from perfect. And, I am sure there are more pressing details in their lives then my romantic entanglements. In the end I know it is up to me, and I will tell you my analisis of what I am feeling, what little I can gleam from myself. Well, if the "no" were a no, as in no to my blog entries, no I do not have a connection and no, just in general. Then, I think my reaction would have been different. You know how you feel when someone tells you the truth, and you have been scampering around saying everything was beautiful and deeps. When really somewhere you intution was telling you that it was all hideous but you laughed it off and now someone is calling it on you. I think that would have been my reaction, if that were the cause, as if the fairy tale ended because really only I was the writer. Despite, my belief once I thought about it, not being a no no...it struck me. I was not prepared for a no and I can not help it, but I can feel like the walls came up that day. What kind of walls, the kind where I do not even know what I am feeling in a way. I am not feeling very surefooted at this moment, either. I still believe, that the No, is a no you are not crazy no, however, now there is a however. I am not making any moves or plans until it is clarified. And I still kind of feel like, because of that I may be preparing for a no no. You know pray for peace but prepare for war type thing? It is kind of late to try and be guarded. I do not even know if any of that is true either. I do know, that I still love Tenjou and that I am waiting for the clarification on no. I do know, that we have a connection, if nothing else, the fact I got an answer proved that theory. I do know, that I still believe...that I am not wrong, that she does love me. What about the rest of it? I am very confused right now, nothing is really adding up, I just hope I get my answer soon, it will not be joyous times if I have to wait another week. I am hoping I get one today, since she has pager. Or so I would assume...anyway. I guess that would be an update. I am actually confident, since my Dog horoscope says I may stabilize, my love life...so I am going to take what I like of it...an run with it. Beauty marked this page on... Tuesday, May 7, 2002; 02:14 p.m.

Today

I really did nothing all day. No, really I got up, tried to find a Kenshin music video and that would be about it. I called Niisan of course, but that really is what happens all the time, I mentioning it anyway. So, I actually used the mirror that was in my bedroom. I looked at myself, and I think I am pretty. When, I am all fixed up,since there is little else to decribe how about I go into what I am wearing. Black jeans with a white undertone, matching jacket, and a tan ribbed sleeveless turtleneck shirt. With suade black boots and white socks. Impressed, I know I am. I finally found something worth wearing even though I need to to laundary, and here I was not even looking for it. I think I look cute today, which is kind of a waste since only my rents are going to see me. Does that sound bitter? I do not enjoy being home an entire day and have nothing of real interest happen. It makes me feel like I am trapped in my room, or the house, and that is never a good feeling. Mostly I just wandered around, looking at things, listening to music. Listening to music, and maybe thinking, maybe I was thinking a little too much about those things that are no longer in my control. I also started working on a new blog lay out...same picture different stuff on and around it. Well, I think you will see it, but that really depends on Tenjou. Speaking of Tenjou, still no word, at least not today. I know, what am I going to keep count, apparently so... One day, has passed, just one and I am keeping count. Yes, my horoscope says I can't write people off for it not being Hollywood. It is right, I am just annoyed because it is just another important thing, that did not happen. Not as much annoyed any more, but I do wish that I would get an answer already. That is right, until I get an answer, I am going to talk about it every day. A small price to pay considering that I think about it a lot more then I say it. Oh, yes I am going to go eat dinner with my rents. Which is good because I just remembered I did not eat anything today. Or drink anything for that matter...must have slept more then I thought, I must be paying less attention to that... Oh well, it will be solved whenever everyone gets ready to go. Well, as you can guess if I am working or even conceptualizing a new blog layout...I must still believe I am going to get a yes. So, that is good, or rather, know that I shall get the truth, that is even more important then a yes ne? Yes well, my horoscope also mentioned something about me being lonely. Everyone gets lonely. Oh gee, that is great, I am not lonely however, I am just sick of listening to myself talk. Seriously, it has been me and my thoughts most of the time. I understand the concept of alone time, but I have to use my imagination to make sure that I do not get bored. But who can get bored when all they do is sit and stare and think. Nothing but thinking, thinking thinking... I think this, I think that, I believe that this is how it ought to be, this is how it will be. No, no nothing you can do about it. Ah, well I am getting more hungry now that I am actually paying any attention to my body. I think I smell pretty, Amber Romance and everything like that. Oh well, perhaps more later, I will be home...at the most two hours for when I leave...whenever that will be...soon I hope. Beauty marked this page on... Friday, May 3, 2002; 07:10 p.m.

The time has come the Walrus said

The time has come. It is finally here. The unreality of everything, I can no longer stand. It is simple, it is easy, it is a one word answer. Reality unreality. Yes or No. Love or not love. Relationship or dust fragements. I want an answer, to this. Do you love me, could you? Are we in a relationship, were we ever? Is there even anything to discuss? Is it significant other/girlfriend, or vagabond roleplayer. More then anything, I would like the truth...not yes the truth. Please answer me in three weeks Tenjou. That and the answer must be grounded in reality. Something tangible that exists in the physical relm. I await your answer, as soon as humanly possible. Beauty marked this page on... Thursday, May 2, 2002; 12:27 a.m.

Three of Swords

So, everything has been turning. I seem to have developed a bit of moodyness, and what could this possibly mean? I have finally got a name of it, though if you do not really look at my Tarot deck, or the cards it will be hard to explain but I digress. I do this, whatever it is, the Three of Swords. Pallomides or something like that goes his name. Anyway, basically the card meaning is the person who has dreams of distaster, fear of critisim that may not even happen, and basically reacting to bad things that are not even there or might not even happen. I think that explained my mood pretty well... It is pretty ridiculious if here,or soon at my feet is Islot and Tristam. The two of cups, the card of love, union, strong relationships, stable romantic relationship. If that were the two of us, and then here I am running around thinking I am Pallomides or however it is you spell it. It is very ridiculious when Avalon pointed it out today, and once I got through how very unobjective I was being, and got everything cleared up. I am fine. Everything just needed to clear, and sooner or later it always does, doesn't it. I also made another realization, today when I was close to what was happening, hitting marks in my Tarot reading, I got colder, and colder. It was strange, I waited until I was almost shivering mentally for me to stop shuffling the cards when I asked about Tenjou and I, once it cleared. I really have been odd...and I am glad I had people with me supporting me all through it, I am glad it has passed. Now, if I can only get school and money matters in order my life will become perfect... Yeah...right...well I am going to get that striaghtened out as well. Perhaps, there will be more later. Beauty marked this page on... Tuesday, April 30, 2002; 05:33 p.m.

Friend's dream

Friend: I was taking my Chemistry test today Friend: (9:13:52 PM): and I fell asleep in the middle of it Me(9:13:56 PM): ... Me (9:13:58 PM): That sucks Friend:(9:14:01 PM): and like, I didn't know I was asleep though Friend:(9:14:11 PM): Cause like, in my dream, I was still taking the test Friend: (9:14:23 PM): But like, the rest of the class was gone. And like, there was someone sitting in front of me Friend:(9:14:34 PM): and we were talking about webs and spiders Friend:(9:14:42 PM): and how spiders lure their prey to their own death. Like, one particular spider does that Friend: (9:15:09 PM): imitates the female moth's ... like, chemical smell and the male moth flies to his death Friend: (9:15:29 PM): and like... then, the person reached out to grab me by the throat Friend:(9:15:34 PM): and I woke up all startled Friend:(9:15:50 PM): And looked around, and saw that I was still in Chem class Beauty marked this page on... Monday, April 29, 2002; 10:51 p.m.

Can't fight the moonlight

Yes, this entry title makes no real sense, for the simple fact, that I still believe it is new moon. There is no moonlight, to speak of in the literal sense I seem to be so fond of lately. Oh well, my metaphor it is lost, not really. Oh well it is the perverbal moonlight that I am speaking of more then anything, that and a song title. Suprisingly catchy. Just a small memory thing, not really memory but musing that I can share. I have a question, when is it that love hits you? Is it with your friends, talking about the object of your affection? Is it when you seem the object of your heart's desire talking to someone else, and they make them smile? Is it when, you are by yourself, randomly staring at walls because somehow if you think really hard, or how about not at all you can see them there? Does, it really have to be one, more then the other? I know mine...it depends on where it started and its intentisty. The first, it was talking to other people..you know, I get some of my best ideas sometiues from bouncing them off of other people. Oddly enough, that is how that one hit me. Very funny, and this one? I would say when I was alone, in my own mind, it slowly just got to me. You know, when you turn around and you go...hey...lookie here? Where was I when this happened, oh...well I guess, this the word for it right? Sounds funny, but I am just making light of it, when it is not very light at all. I think it is when you are just sitting there staring at a wall, or some other object and when they can break into your zoning time. The times when you would rather be thinking about whatever current story you are trying to formulate. Someone mentions them...and bam...all your thoughts went right out the window. So what is it? Well, the moonlight, is just it being a matter of time, perhaps a time of day perhaps the time of season, the time in your life. When it is going to happen and no more then you can block the moonlight in a open field, then you can block love. Well, that is my romantic speel for the evening maybe. But you know, you can't fight the moonlight It comes in through the windows and doors that you built up around everything, you come to realize that for this, your home is made of glass. Well, that is my Tenjou segement. Until later. Beauty marked this page on... Monday, April 29, 2002; 10:25 p.m.

Horoscope Extended today

You don't like what's going on here, so you continue to try to find ways to distract yourself. Whether it's your dark side or the dangers of the unknown, something is tugging at you with a major gravitational field. Giving in to someone else's wishes isn't exactly the same thing as giving up, but it's close. It's possible for you to secure your position if you can be strong for one more day. This is the time to use every drop of willpower you can muster. So, it this like telling me, not to spellcast, because bad stuff will happen, or is it telling to to spell cast, because otherwise, the unknown will get me, because which exactly is my shadow? Erm...ok I do not know. Thought, I would share it though. Beauty marked this page on... Sunday, April 28, 2002; 04:32 p.m.

Back at home

Earlier I had it in my head that I was going to spell cast. Yeah, right, not only is it cold outside, but the moon holds this funky kind of energy, and I am not calm enough to do anything so...needing of calm. I am uneasy to say the least, very on edge, it is a full moon after all. I wonder if any of this is excitement? Maybe, I am just a little bit tired, but should I really sleep? Eventually, I am going to rest, but still...I wonder, will Tenjou even want to see me? Jeff brought his girlfriend over from college, I liked her, Ashley and Brandon, Mary Joy and Jonathan, and Niel well he had Jessica. I have Tenjou, but it is hard to explain, I wonder if next time I should skip it, I never really did get to explain it. I wonder why we all have different dreams, and different sides, is one more true then the other. Is there a reason why mine are so light and nice, and Niisan's so dark? There is the obviousness of it, I can not handle anything like that...if it had to come that way. I am slowly feeling better, now that I unravel things in my mind, I am feeling more closer to calm, with energy and a slight headache. I miss Tenjou, argh I am whining, someone shut me up, how about I stop myself. This is what I have been reduced to? Niisan asked my why should she affect my mood so much? You want my honest opinion? I have noooooooo idea. I suppose I could think about it for awhile and maybe I could come to some conclusion. I guess I could blame the link you know? The link that I have with her, and that paranoia over the oddness of it all is bound to happen. I could blame the emotion, love makes everyone act a little strangly from time to time. I could probably blame more stuff if I was more lucid, but I am not, so I guess my list ends there. The point is, the reason for the effect is less interesting then the cure. I am feeling less tense now and maybe even less alone, the thought to perhaps shed a tear can cross my mind once. I am ok, finally, look it did not take much, did it. I love you Tenjou. I think I should go to bed soon, I think that was pretty sappy, but I am really not here enough to be a good judge. Beauty marked this page on... Sunday, April 28, 2002; 01:57a.m.

Wheels turning

I am still tired. I look at the clock, it is past three, almost by 20 minutes. I am still tired. Part of me wants to go back to sleep, but the other part knows that I would be bored out of my mind just sitting at home all day long. So, I am not going to just sit here and do...nothing. I have till tonight to do what I must, with spell casting, but as for the rest of it. Drole. But who said my life had to be entertainment 24 hours seven days a week? Its starting to wind down, I feel. And it really has not. I just feel ucky today. Very sophisiticated I know. I think it is just a mild form of temper tantrum. I am not getting exactly what I want, when I want so I throw everything unto the ground and stomp on it, until someone comes and asks whats wrong. Well, no one has asked. But, there really is no one to ask, now is there? What the hell am I suppose to be doing right now? I have not the slightest idea. Maybe, that is what erks me more then anything. I have no game plan. I am having those, where is my conteigency plan days. I scower my brain and you know what I find? I find nothing, absolutely zip. So, if the next time I run across Tenjou. And she says in the very imperious voice, " Do I know you." Then all I am going to have to say is, " Duuuuuuuuuuuuh." Not very light view on things, but nonetheless this is how I am feeling, not the logical end speaking at this moment. Its a mood swing, so, things are not very balanced right now, which is not a good at all. But, I was thinking about it. And the practicialites of the situation stinks. I mean, really, what am I suppose to do? I have no clue, the validity is really, really flightly. I am just whining really. I know I would have it no other way, so really this is all a product of my own making. I am just having a no contengency is bad, days. What kind of person is not convinced? All, I know is that I know all of this is bs. I know, I know the truth, its just me scratching at the wall, because I can see them. I can see them, and I don't like them, not one bit. This could be so easy, I look around and it could be so easy. But, why in the worlds would I have anything that remotely looks like it is easy? Maybe, I just need to get out of my house, and get some healthy discrations in. I have been thinking too much, with rationality, and probability, and it is not my friend at all. At least probability. I have really spent the whole day, sleeping. Is it possible I have spent my whole life too? There is always something, something and it is really the core that matters. I know, that I know I know...and the core is wonderful. But the circumstances are never perfection, and right now it would just be nice to see something easy, within my reach that could cover this area of my life. Just a smidge of normalacy. Me, want something normal, by normal I mean, easily excessable. No quirky mystical, odd dream relation, scrying, glass related stuff. Just good old fashioned face time. Oh well, that is not really going to happen, any time soon. I just in a I want it easy, moods. The only reason I do not want anything mystical at this moment, is the fact, it is so foggy. I mean really shady, hard to understand in the back of my mind, very hard to remember stuff. If I could just clear it, it could be better. But, I can not? Are the wheels really turning this fast, or am I just watchng them move, and any movement feels really fast to me? I am having one of those, eveything really is one sided, because no one really spelled anything out for you, and your world is really one of complete abstractions and implications, day. It would not be horrible if I had any kind of proof, that I could put into a letter and send to someone. But, who needs that, this is all air walking, and you did say you wanted something unexplainable right? Oh, right, I forgot. Tee hee. I always ask for things like that, because I never really was any good at letter writing now was I? There could be more, there are more dimensions and what do I see? I see a series of invisible walls, that I use to be able to walk through, no, that I never noticed before. And so...and so what. Just leave them there, they have a purpose. What is the real point of going to such an extreme. It is an extreme after all. I can just stay here. Yeah...right, as if I can stay anywhere, even if it occured to me. No, that would never do either. How about we map it out in black and white. That sounds like so much fun, I think I will skip it. Believe it or not, I am actually just getting skiddish because if all of this works, out I have no idea, what I am going to say to her if I see her in real life. What an odd thing to bring that sort of thing on? Its the real life setting? What, is it? I have no idea. The more real everything because, the more I can abstractulize. I think it is the unreality. Its getting to me again. And its not even as much unreality as I would like. I mean if that is how it is going to be, at least it could be a whee bit more interesting. Thats right, everything is not interesting enough. I think it is one of those I am just asking for things, that I am not going to get because I could not accept them, even if they were at my feet days. Or maybe, the wierdness is becaming so normal, that by normal I think, this is not moving, and by not moving I think it should go somewhere, and by going somewhere, I should see more. But, do I really like to see anything? In theory yes, but I freak. I am freaked thinking about it. But, but the point is, the point is... Can you see it, turning round and round. Its a circle, its a wheel. Its a wheel, its a circle. Its a sphere, can you watch it roll? If I drop it does it bounce or shatter? Anyway... It is a full moon, when power should be greater, who knows maybe I just want a present. Well, I am off, enough of this. Beauty marked this page on... Saturday, April 27, 2002; 03:45 p.m.

Irony, thou hast come to me again

Let me finish laughing first. So, I just got finished saying, that I did not care, what was suppose to go here, was this whole thing about the Death card, but this is more important. Anyway, so there I was in this very blog saying, me care? Why should I...I did not get any reply. I mean, plus she was an escape route, and I love Tenjou blah blah the works. So, I got my reply. She gave it to me, and it was before the week, so I have to take back all the stuff about her not replying. What was the reply? It really does not matter. But, keep note I said that before I got my reply. No. That is the reply. No. Now, you could think that I am a little put off or upset. No. That is my reply. No. I want to tell everyone, and I want to hug people. Random people. Seriously... I mean...this is much better. I wanted her to say no. I mean my ego wanted her to say yes...but. She said no. I am so happy. Now we can be friends. Erm...or something like that is how it goes. But, no no no no no no. So, I thought that was ironic. It is ironic. Well, I should call her and thank her. Thank her a million times. She finally came clean. And, I am free. Free free free. I am going to take the diary, Desire, and throw it into a river...or something else dramatic. Thank you Rebecca. I may not approve of your reasons, but I respect them, and I am glad you finally told me. Time period and all. Ok, so, that is about it. Beauty marked this page on... Tuesday, April 23, 2002; 07:49 p.m.

Time up

I think the time was up yesterday for R. However, it seems I am posting it now, late but now. Yes, time is up. The time limit given was a week. I did not get any kind of reply which can mean three things. 1. She never checked her e-mail and thusly can not reply. 2.She checked it but can not think of a reply so did not reply. 3.She checked it thought of a reply, put it off and forgot about the due date. Either way, it does not matter. Time is up. The score has been talled. Either way, she does not care enough to give me any sort of reply. The answer then, would be a no. It does not really matter, but I am just stating. I decided it did not matter offically yesterday. It looks like...all I can do is wait for Tenjou's answer. I made my decision, Rebecca is a no. Not, that I was not already waiting to talk to Tenjou, it seems I have been, even if by one way or another last night I was not really even awake. Well, I am glad she is not hurt or anything, or even bothered to reply, silence is louder then any reply. And from her I recieved silence. Either way, if she does not reply to any e-mails, then our relationship on any level will be hard to maintain. There is going to be another post regarding Rebecca, following this one. Beauty marked this page on... Tuesday, April 23, 2002; 05:52 p.m.

Failure, incerpt

"There was not question in his mind about failure. He knew he would find her and he knew she would be upset and hysterical and possibly even brain tumbled.But Alive. And that was, in the end, the only fact of lasting import. So if he he let go of the vine and did not find her within a finger snap, it was all up for both of them. Westly, let go of the vine without a qualm, because he had come too far to fail now; failure was not even to be consiered. Westly threw the wrist away and reached out blindly, with both hands now, scrabbling wildly to touch some part of her, because failure was not a problem; failure is not a problem he told himself; it is not a problem to be considered forget about failure;just keep busy and find her and he found her. The idea that it might be difficult finding a vine strand in a small sea of Snow Sand never bothered him. Failure was not a problem; he would simply have to kick and when he had kicked hard enough he would reach out for the vine and when he reached out it would be there and when it was there he would tie her to it and with his last breath he would pull them both up to life. Which is exactly what happened." -"The Princess Bride" The power lies within. It always has. It lies in storage. It lies in reserve. It lies untouched. But, there is not failure, as long as there is power. And there is power. Enough will to overcome. So, there is not failure. Beauty marked this page on... Saturday, April 20, 2002; 09:13p.m.

Ode to Lemon Tea

I am sitting. Here I am. I am here with my Lemon Tea. Lemon Zinger. It looks red. I thought it was Berry something, something like zinger too. It was not very potent. I glance at it. It is in the cup of Love. I find that hiliarious. Perhaps, Lemon Tea is Love itself. In that case... Love is being intoxicated. Subtract the beef jerky. And you have the good crack? Or was that bad crack. Anyway, the Tea is in Love. Pretty little cup. It wait for me. I can not have a taste until it is cooler. Otherwise it burns me. So I sit and wait for it cool. I am still waiting. Lemon Tea. I love thee. Or something akin to that. Actually I love Tenjou. Oh, no what happened to the metaphor? I found it! Well, end of Ode. Beauty marked this page on... Wednesday, April 17, 2002; 11:39 p.m.

Almost 11

It is almost Eleven. The golden time, wheren Tenjou is supposed to appear. I am going to talk to her. I am going to tell her. I am going to ask her. She is going to answer me. We are going to dicuss it. Long. Short. Brief. Curt. Discussion. It is going to be settled. It will be love. It will be honest. Does Rebecca's answer really matter, now that you are here? Yes, but not in the way you would think Tenjou. I need to know, had you said, there is no way in hell I could have anything to do with you. I would have turned in her direction. I now know that never, can be never. That I have an imagination. That I can mislead myself. Please, be there so we can start tonight. I would like, it if the truth was found tonight. Just tonight. It is before 11. Beauty marked this page on... Wednesday, April 17, 2002; 10:58 p.m.

Snake Eyes

So I rolled the dice. I stacked the odds pretty well, I had thought. Sure, it hit the walls a couple of times. I saw the numbers rolling by. But it did not pan out. Snake eyes twice. But, hey it was a nice throw wasn't it? The money looked real pretty all on the line I drew. It was really shiny and new. It was a nice throw everyone said. I should have thrown it out the window. I wonder if dice can float? I open my eyes. I can see it all, right there, snake eyes. But, I have not even rolled yet. They are still in my hands. Or have they left? I really have no idea, no wait must get the okay, then outcome, too late to stop now. Does it really even matter? When the odds are on my side, I loose. When they are against me snake eyes again. I can throw just to throw. So I do... Enough with the odds already. I have them written on the back of my hand. In my mind. Over lines and lines and lines of poetry. In the voice of thoses rooting for me to susceed. The saddistic voice in the back of my head, telling me I will fail. Be quiet, all ready. Just let me throw. It is mostly me, that is making all the noise. I can close ears and shut it out. But through my closed eyes I see Snake Eyes. Snake Eyes. But does it really matter? Snake Eyes. Wouldn't be the first time. Snake Eyes. I have a vision of the future. Snake Eyes. It can be beautiful Snake Eyes. Now for my turn, at the table. Snake- I want a snake, I wanted to name it Lucifer. Beauty marked this page on... Wednesday, April 17, 2002; 10:00 p.m.

Ode to R

This is my small ode to R. It will give me something to do while I wait for someone at her house to pick up the phone from the busy signal. Anyway, ahem my ode to R. Why is it, that when I can finally have the plans laid, out shining and new, at your feet. Your phone is busy and I can not leave a message. And if it deos, there is a long pause. With a lingering message. I do not know. No, that is not all of it. But it is a greater portion lately. Could it be, that I am in control of the situation? And thusly I know? No, I was not in control when asking. Is it not in the power of the one asked? Well, then could it be a wish to remain in control? I shall not ask again so it is lost. I think it is none of those things. I think it is fear, and regret. Fear as always that making the wrong choice, will cost you something precious. Fear, that the right choice will bring happiness. Loss, that it had to be made at this time. Time is so important. But it can never be perfect. And it is now. So your phone is busy. It is ok, I will call back in 15 mintues anyway until about 10, the I will call tomorrow. I will call until I get an answer. It can not float in the air, like a vapor. It must pentrate the clouds like rain. And be seen and heard and felt. I wonder if you will ever read any of this? I think if you did, the only part you really need hear is. That I called you, and your phone was busy, that I called back, because I love you. Because I gave you a choice. And I want your answer... Beauty marked this page on... Wednesday, April 17, 2002; 09:30 p.m.

Money, money, money!

I have an annoucement to make. I got payed today. Well, actually the check came in the mail yesterday. But, that was just a piece of paper with a bunch of words on it. No, today, I cashed it. I have actual money in my wallet. My dad told me congratulations on my first pay check. It is great. I wanted to cash it before I came to school and trying to scam people into working for a company that bounces checks. So, I had to make sure it at least worked. I guess, that means I have to try and pawn some of these flyers off. I do not know if it is stable enough to give to my friends. So, I will pass it off to complete strangers instead. I am not going to be unethical or anything like that. I am going to tell them what happened to me if, they ask. I do not know if anyone will actually go, but I am not a con artist, and no pay check is worth that. So, off I go wish my luck. Oh, and I am going to deposiot 100 dollars today into my checking account. I do not need anything right now so, that money can stay there. However, 18.50 of it is mine to spend. Lunch money... I need to change the unemployed part of my bios. Beauty marked this page on... Wednesday, April 17, 2002; 10:40 a.m.

Satisfy

There are words in my mind. That I will not give form. They ripple just below the surface. It flickers, perhaps it burns. Simmers, how long till it boils over? I do not want to be there when it does... I who have words for everything. Do, I really want to name this one? Oh, wait,I call it something,now. Is it formal? Can, it ever be polished, so that it glitters? Can't it just burn. Burning itself out. No, none of that. Can it be commited, to itself. Can, I watch it burn all of this to the ground? Wasn't it all ash before? Is that another word for sand? Running through my fingers... Has it left yet. If I turn around, oh it hurts my eyes. The light can pass through my closed eyes. Could, it be? I never asked to be untied. I wasn't happy on my mountain...but at least I could have the whole moutain to myself. All, I have of this... Fire. It can not be meant to hold. It can not be a broken promise, if words were never spoken. Commitment to itself, it will not burn out. I never asked to be untied. Must it all go too? Could it stay, withstand the fire? It is still burning. The core. Flame. Can, I offer more? I have already... Take it all. Still burning. I was sated. A glow. An ember. Liquid flame. Satisfy. Still burning. Beauty marked this page on... Wednesday, April 17, 2002; 12:52 a.m.

Straight Lines

Its only half and hour past midnight. Yet, I am almost the only person up. I am newly finished with a wonderful conversation with Rachel. I think we really are wonderful friends, and I love her a lot. In that non complicated way. We spoke about many things, it was a blast. Now, to other matters. As you can tell it is past 11. No one here, that I would have thought would be. Rebecca confused me quite well today. It really is not that complicated. She said I love you. I gave no real answer, it was casual. At the end of the conversation, it was just goodbye. The line just got run over, it now looks like a rectangle. I still know who I want. I want Tenjou. I have no answer from niether. But, the call was made, and it was heard. Soon enough, I must be paitent. Well, at least I do not have to sit on my hands. I just hope when the time comes, I am as effcient as I would like to think I am. I will speaks as I will. Flipping through the possibility. I will make my claim. My stance, I will stay there. It shall either be, acceptance, or denial. It is really just as easy as that. I refuse to let this get messy. This will be a serious of straight lines. Yes...no. No...yes. Yes...yes. No...No. Beauty marked this page on... Wednesday, April 17, 2002; 12:35 a.m.

This Morning

So, I read my horscopes this morning, maybe they will make sense earlier in the day but I doubt it. Yesterday, I looked at mine and it made as much sense, as I do when I have had a whee bit too much of lemonade with my beef jerky. It ended up making sense by the end of the day...however and so did a part of another horoscope but I digress... It said for me to not make things more complicated then they already are, and to take striaght lines. Well, that is exactly what I am doing, not being Einstien for me, right now, I am just connecting the dots. As for last night and Tenjou. I thought it was hilarious...partially and very messed up not to mention ironic. Hilarious because, I log off, she logs on, I log on well she had already logged off. All of my friends tried to get her to stay but unfortunately, that was not enough for her to stay. Or as Rachel pointed out, she could have been booted. Well, I take this as a good sign. What I mean is...I made the statement, and miraculiously Tenjou pops out of nowhere. Which is very odd since, I never told her a thing to her face, however she just happened to pick that day to appear. Consciedence...I think not. I think it is very sad that, even though I told Rebecca first, Tenjou was the first to seek me out. Of course it is horribly unfortunate that I did not get to talk to her. However, we know that she in Singapore, I would guess with some type of reach to internet access. It was ironic because, if I would have been there...then I would have asked, and who knows my whole day would have been different. Wow...interesting concept. I shall make it a point to be online around 11 then, in the hopes that she appears, and we can simplify everything. So, to all of you who said...whenever that is...for shame! It would have been yesterday! Ha ha ha...and you know who you are...ahem. But anyway thank you for giving it your best, and trying to make sure she stayed. I appreciate it a lot. I have never seen her stick around when I was not there, not to sound egotistical...but here is a part of the Capricorn horoscope that seemed true... Daily Romantic Those in search of shallow relationships get lucky. Those who want pure, platonic love are likely to be disappointed. Privacy may not be possible for new partners. It's hard to learn about each other over the noise of a crowd. Ok, the shallow relationships being lucky...I could take the last night situation as being a sign...of obvious not lucky...the disappointment...and yes I am non objective...is the fact I was not there... The privacy and noise of the crowd, well everyone was there. Well, that is the only real part of her horoscope that made the most amount of sense to me. Well, I would speak more of my day but much of it has not really happened yet, so it is mostly about last night. As such, I do not think it would be much to see why I am gushing so. As for Rebecca, I am going to try and call her tonight. And ask her to check her e-mail. In truth, I will not really need her answer, if Tenjou says yes, now will I? Howevever, I will have it just the same. And she will give it to me. I think my spirts have lifted a great deal, and I hope this continues. Whatever the outcome...and yes I am rooting for Tenjou, and yes I do think it is her. I want to know the truth, it would make things a lot more complicated ne? Ok, well everyone like you are reading this early but...I hope everyone has a nice day...my day seems grand. Beauty marked this page on... Tuesday, April 16, 2002; 09:34a.m.

One more turn, all cards down

There is a new development. This is simply, that I contacted Rebecca. It seems she had no idea of what, I already assumed she had, and had thought the distance was due to my being mad at her. She was wrong partially, and yet, I was mad at her, but for the reasons, they one should know already. But, we can review just for you new people...yeah right... So, I realized that I had lied, about not wanting a title. Really, what I want is a title, ie girlfriend, and I want to be told I love you...not I care. I wrote her a letter stating thus, and that she had two choses. One, was to do what I wanted, in the relationship, or not. The timeframe I gave her was a week, of course it is my ardent wish, that she is faster then that. I doubt it however, and think I will have to wait an entire week. You may want to know, what of Tenjou? What about Tenjou? There is nothing that has changed, I merely want to know, about the relationship with Rebecca and I. You know, if it has any possibilites. All things being equal, when I speak to Tenjou, I intend to ask her upfront about us if anything. The time has come, for one more turn. It is when everyone shows there cards and I choose. If there is nothing possible with Tenjou and I have lived in some opiate dream, well then, I will find someone else. I mean, if she is not even avaliable...ie she is striaght or something else, like she really hates me. Then, I am not going to change her mind. But, if she will consider me, and does in fact love me as I believe. Then, there will be no competition. If I add it up in my head...Tenjou wins as it were. She simply has the better hand. She does not have a prior history working against her. She would then, know what she wanted. And she would be willing to commit. While, Rebecca. She has a history of flitering. She wanted a "break time". And still feelings are unknown. Now, what if Tenjou says maybe and Rebecca says maybe? In the unlikely event that happens. I would see how they both stood. How long they stood there. And tally it, as listed above. If they both say, you can go take a flying leep. I will find someone else. Does not sound very romantic of me does it? Well, I think I love Tenjou more... However, I have learned, that you can not make anyone commit to you. Love and comitment, have to go hand in hand otherwise no dice. As well as the fact that, I better be worth it, because she is worth it to me. Now if Tenjou says no and Rebecca says yes. I would pick Rebecca. Is it perfectly equal? No. Is it fair? They both have a chance, to say yes and no. Who do I want? Tenjou. So why ask Rebecca? I love her too. What if this all blows up in my face? It could have anyway. Time is up. Put your cards face up where I can see them. All bets are final. No more playing with me, for either of you. Whether in my mind, or in actually. Time to tally up the score. Beauty marked this page on... Monday, April 15, 2002; 09:18 p.m.

Don't wanna love you if...

"...lonely at the top." I do not know, Rachel. No, I do know. Is it lonely where I am? Am I even close to being near any type of really top, since how can there be a top, if there is a higher point? So, Rachel wants to know if I am lonely, and probably anyone else. Do you ever stop all motion will you are swimming in a pool so that you can sink, if you are not bouyant enough to float? Ok, so not really an answer, but interesting thought, nonetheless. Today, something else snapped in my head, besides the below part...someone said, " I need her like that too." or it was something like that. The word need or was it depend? Either way ...ugg not one of my favorite words. Love, I can abide, need or depend, is one of those no nos. I could never really stand hearing it reffered to by someone...who I was really close to. Maybe it is my own definition, but nonetheless...honest. I would be lying, if I said that did not sting. It stung, it should not have, it should have been expected. But expected, and actuallity verbalization are two different things. That however is not the point.I do not think it makes them any more or less or anything besides in love. It makes me wonder, since she is my twin. Could I then be guilty of the same thing. Somewhere it hides under another name, I like words, to be percise, my definitions concise...less confusion. I came to an answer. Need, or depedence, has its basis somewhere upon insecurity, in my mind. Probably not for everyone else, which is why it is fine, for whoever to need or depend. For me, it means you are not secure enough in yourself. As if some of your foundation is trusted upon their supervision. Some of your abstract notions, concide with criteria they must approve of, or else, it simply fades into nothing. Debate it all you want. My definitions. I do not like the idea of being needed either, I mean...I am not as steady as all of that. I stumble all the time. I do not want to be the partial reason for anyone tripping over me...let alone someone who I would want to stand. What replaces it...now that I can tell you. I think it is prettier, more substantiual, then any of that... You are aware, that they do not have to be there. You are aware, that they can leave. You are aware, that you have the same ablility. You are aware, you are standing on the same ground. You extend a hand,in her direction palm open. With the other hand, you gracefully motion to the surrounding area and say, "Would you join me? Your presence will not be replaced, and my journey would be all the more better with you, then with out you." She takes your hand, give a sligh dip of her head, a nop saying, " Yes, only if you will join me on mine." You of course nod, adding, " I will, as it is now the same journey, upward." She smiles, giving your hand a squeeze, " Yes." And so you start walking... You are aware, that you can leave, but you do not. You are aware, that she does not have to be there, yet there she stands. You are aware, that she is absolutely worth it, and she is it of you. And so you wall forward. I think that is not a bad exchange, I like mine better. But, of course I do. Now, lonely... Am I? No, I am not lonely. Should I be? By all standards even perhaps mine? Perhaps...but I am still not. Lonely, in that romantic way obviously speaking...just in case you missed it... Unconfirmed by some accounts it may be. I digress, I have someone, here. Tenjou. I would like the pleasure of her company. I love her. Not much to say past that is there? And so, I answered your question, Rachel. And my own... Funny, how with such a thing as that I can continue and yet somehow I manage to do it. I can talk more of Tenjou, this is my blog...and if you do not like it, you are allowed to skip it. I ususally try to limit my speech of her, otherwise I fear I may bore some people. Anyway, without further adeu. So, after writing the whole journal entry before this one. I stared at the screen for a few seconds, no wait. It was after the whole...alone at the top comment. I wondered...was I alone? I mean, just looking at everything, with no one besides me, in that...are you lonely romantic way. No, it brings to mind that dream, Rachel had. With the other person helping me build that castle pyramid thing. It looks like it is just me, building this structure, and if I even notice you, I will tell you, that my wonderful partner is giving me all of the pieces. If you would just be so kind as to wait a moment, you will see them. So you stand and you wait, and you see nothing. All you see is me. It sounds impossible. Maybe, that is where the strength comes from. From sheer impossibility. As well as truth. But still the castle stands... I still insist. I don't want to love, you if you don't love me. And it still stands, I do not like on sided circles, they do not exist, and love must be built on circles. So I do not. Just, a small salute Tenjou. Odd credits, to most but necessary. Ok, that is about it... -Fin Beauty marked this page on... Saturday, April 13, 2002; 04:12a.m.

Standing Still

I am walking somewhere. It is towards a goal. I can walk up the hill. I can walk down the valley. I can swim through the ocean. I can jump from the cliff. I can land, wherever it be. But I am still going in the same direction. That is forward, the goal. Today, there has not been enough hours of the day for today to be as it is, as it was, as it will be. I speak of yesterday, but does it matter it is all one continuous stream, one continues ball, it rolls across the grass, past a line drawn on the ground, to mark its passage. I wonder...it seems that everyone was given a choice somewhere, no every day. They can go in two directions mainly. Forget all of the complications, the variations, their are two direction. Are you listening? Only, two. There is forwards, and there is back, of all the directions latitude longitude, take the compass and stuff throw it to the poles. Two two two. As I was saying, you can go forward or back, everystep, is in a direction. You can stop...but every stop is really just back from the forward step you would have taken had you not stopped correct? No one asks, you, you simply walk. You decide to step forwards or back. It is a choice, it is two options. What if, I...I I I...am the only person, strike that. Only is so high, there could be others, and we could be a group. It could be called family. We could be friends. But, now I am speaking of myself. I am the person, who yes, the choice is there, how sweet. But it is useless, it is like giving someone a door, that has a brick wall behind it. The knowledge, you could choose it, yes you are smart enough for that, but would you. No...no you do not have the luxury of can't. It is ever upward or not at all. Until that day when you can go no farther, because you were stopped by Thanatos riding a pale horse, or just walking for you. Get tired? Of course you do, even you super being need energy. It is just a repreve, you can at the most stand still, take a backwards step...still facing forward. But always...to return again. One step forward. And so here I am. I wonder, am wondering, have wondered, and will again at another point on this line. Am I, do I standing still? No, I see the line I drew to mark where I am..and I am ahead of it... Beauty marked this page on... Saturday, April 13, 2002; 02:29 a.m.

I do it like, the lover...

sleek, stealthy, and sexy, like a panther lurking in the night. rowr. What's Your Weiß Kreuz Killa' Style? Beauty marked this page on... Monday, April 8, 2002; 01:47 a.m.

Colors colors everywhere and not a drop to drink

You are the sort of person that needs a peaceful environment. You seek release from stress and freedom from conflicts and disagreements, of which you seem to have had more than your fair share. But you are taking pains to control the situation by proceeding cautiously and you are right in doing so as you are a very sensitive person. The way things are you are under considerable stress and you feel that there is little hope of matters righting themselves. Everyone about you seems to aggravate the problem even more. You feel that at this time you need to be alone and you are right - move back and give yourself a chance to breathe. You are confined and trapped in a distressing or uncomfortable situation and seeking some way out. Whatever you seem to do to resolve the problem hasn't worked out. Fortunately you are able to gain some aspect of relief from someone close to you. For some time now your hopes and expectations have been denied and because of this you are becoming withdrawn and introverted. Continual disappointment has manifested itself in you becoming both suspicious and restrained you have become withdrawn from others and have receded more and more into yourself. You seem to have lost your innate enthusiasm and imaginative nature, for fear that you may be carried away by it only to find that you are wasting your time. You are loath to trust people, as in the past your trust has been misplaced. You seem to be keeping yourself cautiously aloof from others. At this moment in time your attitude is to trust nobody - until they can prove themselves to you. Since in the recent past all of your hopes and aspirations have been denied you, you are now convinced that the future will hold nothing but anxiety so therefore 'why bother?' You would love to get away from it all, to escape from the trials and tribulations of this mundane existence and fall into a peaceful and harmonious relationship, which will protect you from the lack of appreciation and give you the chance to start afresh. Beauty marked this page on... Monday, April 8, 2002; 01:46 a.m.

Creepy

This is a bus story... About how it was when I was on the bus today. This was not the entire time but it was a very large chunk of it. So now to the story, narrated by me of course, true story, but I preffer to put it into more a narration of something you would read. I was sitting in my normal position, the second window back, with my black back pack on my lap. As I normaly sit so that, if anyone wants to sit next to me, they may and with minimun effort from me. Anyway, it is not as if I pay an awful lot of attention to the people infront of me, but there was someone not sitting directly infront of me. I was next to the window, they were in the ailse seat. All I really noticed, was that they had dark brown hair, that was basically straight. Her hair was clipped in the back with a plain brown clip, half of her hair was tied back with the clip, and the rest of it was streaming down her back to about to the edge of the shoulder blades. I kept staring, it was really odd, whenever I see anyone, who has any type of hair, that looks like they could be Asian and female. I take another look, not stare but glance, and then back to whatever it is that I was doing. I continued to look, trying to see her face, her back was to it. For obvious reasons, she reminded me of Tenjou. So I kept looking, it was really odd. All, I could see was her hair, and part of her clothes. A white jacket, I would say white, with a small red rim. I tried every angle, her reflection in the windows farthest from her was next to nothing.The one closet to that was a bit better. I did not want to get caught staring, I did it for awhile, so I looked at the windows closet to me. She kind of manuvered her head, slightly so that the veil of her hair, the way the light streamed through it, was lighter then the rest and partially translucent. I could see a bit of her face. It was not much, really it was nothing. I was looking at her, and thinking, turn around...just turn around. Trying to will her to turn around. It did not exactly work, but she did shift enough for me to be able to see her profile better, a slight tilting of the head. Maybe I did that, who knows? Anyway, I have no idea. I began thinking, maybe I liked watching people, when they do not know I am watching them. You can get the best picture of them, when they are not paying attention to you paying attention to them. Anyway, back to the girl. After I thought about her, turning around so that I could get a good look. She I think unzipped her jacket, and at the back. I could see it was slowly being lowered, the shirt underneath was blue, with a red rim on it. It was short sleeved, she was thin, and her arms were about as pale as her hands. I watched her fold her jacket into her lap, in the reflection of the window closet to me. I have no idea why she did that. I really was not hot, and the jacket was white. Her shirt was blue darker so really it would be more hot. I can think about that later after my story. So, I figured she was a student. I was right. Before she got off, the bus, took a hold of the tail of hair, and moved it to the side. It was a nervous habit I assumed. She partially waited in her seat until the stop came up, got up...mumbled a goodbye to the bus driver, and walked out of the bus. She was wearing blue jeans. As the bus turned, I could get a better look at her face, I did not look long enough to get an idea. Just looking at her face, she did not look like her ancestory was from Korea, China, or Japan. How can I tell? I have no idea. It could just be me being wierd. So there, is my wierd bus entry. Now, to my reflections... Why wid I stare so long? I think it was because, I was not really looking at her at all. I was looking at Tenjou, imagened image. Why do I think she turned well partially. I wanted her to. The jacket thing. Well, I think after awhile she knew I was looking at her, before she took her jacket off. Now why would she do that? I can think of it awhile. It was not hot at all...I do not know, not what I think about it. Maybe it was a wierd moment thing. Did I want her to do it? No, I did not know what she was wearing. Did I want to see skin, that is not really what I was thinking about. Maybe it was like a condiut. I have no real idea, the whole thing was creepy, and I was the creepy one.Not very settling, but...it was interesting...very interesting indeed. Let me see...a lot of energy there. That is the basic story...freaky ne? Ok, bai for now. Beauty marked this page on... Thursday, April 4, 2002; 08:35 p.m.

Wrong

Someone has to be wrong. Someone has to be right. There has to be a direction and a misdirection. So which is it? Either way, will it ever be the same? I do not think so. Is it possible, to do the impossible? Is it possible, to have no choice in the matter? Is any of it possible? Or have I been in my own land of most of the morning, lingering in dream land. I do not really think so. But still, my logic insists, that perhaps I am a little crazy... And so I am resigned to it. At least, I am still standing. Beauty marked this page on... Saturday, March 30, 2002; 01:24 a.m.

Last Night, This Morning or Afternoon

So, last night, I finally saw her again. She however, left abruptly on a misunderstanding. Niisan later pointed out that maybe I was not talking to her as much as I was to other. It was a short, " Leave you to your appointments" and then silence. It is obvious, that Kevin was not even close to being an appointment. The only person I had truly been waiting for, for days when I barely went on the computer, was her. I admit it, freely, I dispaired on everthing. Fancing myself rather deluded... When Niisan, suggested perhaps it was annoyance, at being ignored etc. Besides, saying at least she did not say good riddance. Needless, to say I waited for her to come back, which of course did not happen. This morning, I woke up feeling better. Though, I of course still wish it could have gone differently. I am fretting horribly over the whole thing. I should be better tonight, if she even comes. All, that time ruined by a misunderstanding. Oh, well it happens, or so they say, another uncaculated distraction. So, I played some FF8 before I got bored with it again. I ought to still be playing, but I am not. I was going to try and take a nap, but instead decided to write a bit. Perhaps I will write some more later. I better not, over react every time something of that nature happens, otherwise I think my poor Niisan will shoot me or her. Either way, I shall be quite glad, when I speak with her, so that we can get all of this cleared up. I am off then... Beauty marked this page on... Friday, March 29, 2002; 01:46 p.m.

Where have I been?

I am sure, that the only people, or should I say person who reads this know very well where I have been, but just in case here I go... I have been spending my time with Niisan, for those of you who have no idea who that is...poor you... I have been having so much fun not being glued to this glowing screen and instead had actual face time. Yes, for all of you there is hope. We have been talking, playing FF8 trying to beat a variety of evol monsters, sometimes living plants, sometimes bad bad red dragons. Either way, I am not dead, I have not fallen and not been able to get back up. The clowns did not eat me. There are personal developments but I would rather not get into them right now. Interesting update, well bai. Beauty marked this page on... Tuesday, March 26, 2002; 01:28 a.m.

Firestarter

It settles softly on the breeze Trailing down the stream of Wind It flickers and twirls in water given wings The soft golden rim of the sun The Brilliant red shimmer of a Ruby’s Heart The gentle orange of Dawn Its Core the vivid blue from A Distant Star Its Genesis the tiniest ember Revealing only a glimmer of Dawn Only a few more moments passing Suddenly a blaze The trail from Ruby’s heart Once a drop Now a fluid sea As Dawn shines bright Mirroring the Intensity of the Sun But none as Sultry as the Star Together it ripples in Waves Cascading Ascending in a velvety melody It rides on Its Spark a thought Passing through the barriers Without distraction or distinction It shows no desire to stop A sundering Light Illuminating before the kiss of the flame As it lingers At the touch I wonder how did she ever begin it The Burn I know now The world shall end in Fire As did my heart begin in it Beauty marked this page on... Sunday, March 17, 2002; 09:16 p.m.

Noon Musings

There's no time for us There's no place for us What is this thing that builds our dreams yet slips away from us Who wants to live forever Who wants to live forever....? There's no chance for us It's all decided for us This world has only one sweet moment set aside for us Who wants to live forever Who wants to live forever? Who dares to love forever? When love must die But touch my tears with your lips Touch my world with your fingertips And we can have forever And we can love forever Forever is our today Who wants to live forever Who wants to live forever? Forever is our today Who waits forever anyway? -Queen, "Who wants to live Forever." That is right it is another random song, and look there, more then on entry in more then one day. I must have alot of ranting, mumbling and tangents to go off in right? I do not know about that, perhaps I can add on later, but a single idea how stands. I had tried before at a time to convince myself, that impermenacy was fine with me. That strong foundation, was not necessary but preffered. It was not true, I do believe in forever. Not as a time, an unending streams of time, but that every day can be forever. Not for all of the days, magically, but it is something that is created, not pre-maid. You do not simply add water to it and there it stands. Yes, it can last forever, as long as you let it,as long as you let it, forever can exist. I do not think it is as childish or crazy as in fairy-tale books or nursurey rhymes. I do believe, that love in a purer form and perhaps truer one, can be the fuel to let it happen. So, yes I know there is a forever and no I am no longer accepting, some day. Beauty marked this page on... Sunday, March 17, 2002; 12:33 p.m.

Mood in the Morning

See the stone set in your eyes See the thorn twist in your side I wait for you Sleight of hand and twist of fate On a bed of nails she makes me wait And I wait without you With or without you With or without you Through the storm we reach the shore You give it all but I want more And I'm waiting for you With or without you With or without you I can't live With or without you And you give yourself away And you give yourself away And you give And you give And you give yourself away My hands are tied My body bruised, she's got me with Nothing to win and Nothing left to lose And you give yourself away And you give yourself away And you give And you give And you give yourself away With or without you With or without you I can't live With or without you With or without you With or without you I can't live With or without you With or without you -U2, "With or Without you." Sometimes, I think it is best I do not remember where I get my ideas from. However, it seems that case that in the spirit of shuffle and continue, I feel upon this song. Slightly demented, I think it is. Just a bit, a bit unbalanced. Just a tad bit too too intense for emotion. If you asked me, I would deny everything. I thought it fit nicely, for my morning sentiments when I heard it. It is almost humorous, the one person who seemed to rip her the most, turned out to be the most supportive of me, and her and us. I was really out of it last night, I started to have doubts in calculations. She had faith, and though I was pouting and complaining, I realized, it never really left me, even with that amount of theoretics Touga, said something that I do not think that I shall forget, even if I am paraphrasing...he he small joke there. She said, she said that, it must be special, if it takes you out of your emotional boundaries that much. She said it was the only way to be in love, or that was the point that I got. I guess she has a point, I can not say this is exactly my idea of a good time. I can not say that this is what I would rather being doing in the morning. I can not even say that I am going to talk about it ever again. I can say however, that it is the only way that I can be will still holding true to myself. I mean hell, if this all just one very large crazy idea, if it is longshot. And everyone seems to think it is, then... Then bring it on, cast all your bets in all your silly notions. The truth still remains that, I will overcome it all. Here, I know, that I was not mistaken.And you shall see it later,ah how you shall see it later. Perhaps then, you would have wished that you could have believed me? Well, enough morning thoughts for today more later, or maybe not... Beauty marked this page on... Sunday, March 17, 2002; 11:51 a.m.

Back again

So, I just wanted to take a few mintues out of the time that I seem to be contemplating nothing, and say that I am back It is odd being back again, and it is almost as if I had earned some detachment from this place And yet concerning some of it, there is gaining no detachment, and that in itself is not very comforting. However, now is not the time to be comforted. I have said what I have set out to say. I am glad to be back, and hope to stay connected to you all. Beauty marked this page on... Saturday, March 9, 2002; 07:13 p.m.

Start

Today, is the day in which I am going to finally begin my latest project. If you are wondering what this is, because I do have many thoughts for stories at the same time. This is the one in which, I use some of Anne Rice Characters from the Vampire Chronicles, manipulate as many aspects of them, their pasts, and the general plot of it as I see fit. I then, create something new from it, I guess it could be seen as a fanfic, but I look upon it as an improvement. Besides, I think that if it is written from a novel, the style should be best copied as well... Since, I have no intention of doing that, I think of it, as inspiration from the writing of her, with my own flair, and inconsistances, twerks on histroy, etc tossed in to make it mine. Of course credit is given to her, for the framework of this project, and to all of the people who helped lend the inspiration for it, I thank you. I was going to put some of the beggining of it in here, however,that does not seem to be possible. So you will just have to wait for a peek. Beauty marked this page on... Wednesday, February 27, 2002; 10:24 a.m.

Access Denied

I logged on today with something in mind to say. However, it does not seem to be working well. Do not worry about yesterday, and the observation concept. It fell before it had a chance to no longer be truly abstract. It fell yesterday, before I could put it into action. It seems, that there were a few theoreticals I left out. One, of those main ones being that, the reactions I may get from taking such an action. The reisistance to taking such an action. And a best friend who would make damn sure, I would not do it. It did not even enter my mind to consider the fact that, it would hurt anyone else. It did not come to me that perhaps, they would take offense, or not be happy by it. I figured it was just a week, and I narrowed it down to its essence, and surely it was nothing. I realize now, why such a thing would not work. And I apologise, for putting anything like that before anyone. Though, no one wanted me to do it, and it was still the case, that they would be there. In the end, it took a minor extreme presented to me by my best friend to get me out of the extreme that I was going to, which is never good I thank everyone for their continued support, and I look forwards to talking to as many people as I can today. Sorry, again and I did miss you. Beauty marked this page on... Tuesday, February 26, 2002; 10:25a.m.

Observation

It can merely be said that now is the time for Observation It would stand to reason, that you would want to know exactly what it entiles as I asked you specifically to come and see. This means basically, that my time with you shall be suspended until such a time, I shall return to my normal self. Very interesting, so what does that mean?How, sad, it is necessary for me to give a meaning to a meaning in its basic form. Unless you have not been here, that of course is not true. You have noticed, a shift in my personality, a change in tone character, perhaps even vocuabulary. Since, this shift has not been towards the better, and if it is I shall discover it presently. I have made a single decision. This decision, is that I am going to have to go into a time of observation. Repetision of that horrid phrase again. Meaning, I have been slipping away, yes I come back, but from the essence, I have began to slip. I know what follows here...then I will get nice, and cheerful. And everything will be fine, and sweetness and light. Then, I will get quiet, but no it is ok, I am fine again right? No, soon, it will be the case, that everything will become a very shallow situation, until it comes to a small point where, I will have a small explosion mentally. And that is where the fun starts so to speak. Not at all actually but, it will come from nowhere, and I will be angry and cruel. And nothing can be said or done, unless the situation can be changed one way or another. It is rarely in those times, where the situation that will change will be me, it will most likely be you. Or asking of you to change something. It is at those times, where the flaws of others come into glaring right, and suddenly the imperfections are no longer stomachable, and that is when, the tower falls as they say. By, that I mean, that everything is cut down in one way or another, and what is left, is left, and there is little care, to what is cut, how deeply and if it shall ever return. Now, saying all of that, not everyone is at the same stage, it is not my intention, that everyone should get there either. But, when I rebuild, concerning the relationships and people in my life, everything has to go through a metamorphis, either in my eyes or in actually. Everything changes. Apart from the being ridiculiously unfair, of those that had mainly nothing to do with it, those that have helped keep what thing are standing planted firmly in the ground, and those who are keeping it with the heel of there boots. It is unfair to you all. To make or ask anyone to do that for me anymore. And so, it has come to my attention, that there is no way to settle this nicely or withot incident, and so I will do it the best way I how and yet with the most clearly and dealing with the most issues. I am going into a mode of observation. Meaning that all contact on a personal level will be lost completely, or perhaps not at all. Since, this has to be done with the least amount of clouding things, such as emotions, and sentiments. I think it would be best, that you were not here when it happens. If I am going to find out where the problems lie, what to do of them, and how to fix it. It would be better if, I could not work any more knots into the mess...Nor have the aid of anyone else in unworking them. It sounds very stubborn doesn't it? I mean, what if all I can find out alone, is that I can not find out anything alone? Well, then that shall be my conclusion, and there it is. It should not take me that long to figure that out. And perhaps, the week shall be more like a day? There comes a time, where it has to stop being the fault of certain situations that you are in for what is wrong. And it starts being something wrong within. Somewhere, I know that in this large clock, there is a gear loose. I have let it be loose for too long, and now it starting to effect how the hands go across the face of the clock. I have ignored it, hoped that it would go away for too long, and most likely it is hidden somewhere safe. I do not know something, that I should and this observation, should help me reprioritze some things. Revalue re-evaluate and re-apply. Basically, it is my balancing act again, but I have been shifting from too many extremes recently for it to be reccomandable. This is my attempt to fix it. Now, I could, do this with everyone. More talking more communication, working it through together, perhaps I could be stronger that way. No, this is probably the time, that I would need you all here the most. But the truth is, this is also the time, where you need to be the farthest away as possible. I have stopped asking a fundemental question of why, and how, it can follow the steam down to the ocean, then finding where the boluder that has blocked some of the water, will be easy. I know, perhaps if I were stronger, I could do it with you here, and of course you can be here, wherever that is. However, I will not be here, not as I am, not as I know I should be, not as it is my nature to be. As of now, I am merely trying to distill myself into logic, and being around someone like that is not going to be fun, for you. I am not making this decision for you, you can of course try to contact me as you wish, but know intially that is my intention. I do not like seperation, and I do not like confrontation, but here I do both. I know, that this in itself is probably an extreme however, there is no moderation to be found, where I am at this moment, things must settle and then, it must be found. And it will be. A week, does not seem ample to time cover, such a broad expanse but, I only really want to find the cause, and a possilbe solution. In the barest form. It would be my hope that it would be fixed, but who can really tell about that? Perhaps, this is all simply an abstract notion, that I will not deliever on in the least, perhaps, this is a vague idea that shall never be put into practice. I may change my mind, I have been known to do that often these days. However, I really do not think so. At the most, the time of observation will last for about a week. That is the maxium time that I am allowing myself, though in truth, I see it lasting much less. I hope this is not an inconvience to you, I mean I have no idea how long my internet is going to be cut off, so it is just like me being at a place where e-mails can not go? I am sorry, that the seems to be necessary. I should not have let it get this far, and it is all my fault. I know that now, I apologise again. I give you my word, that this shall not happen again. Until the end of this...perhaps the observation itself...perhaps the end of the idea...perhaps the solitude. I will miss you all. And so it begins...now Beauty marked this page on... Monday, February 25, 2002; 10:57 a.m.

Alone

I said we were an Us And I meant it And us as in together As in apart sometimes But as for that part Of the most It was A We A together Now there is still an US It is a me And I am here alone... Not, that I am left in my room The door is locked No But in a room, and the door is open Every once in awhile A blue moon At my request I see you For a breath... There is an US But then it is gone. And I am alone again In a white room You left me here How, can I even tell you that the door is open? If there is no face No body or form to tell. I know now, that there are flames past that door That there are pitfalls beneath it That the distance can seem so great That there have been instances where the doorway was broken. Where it has blood on it and tears. I can still see the stains. It does not matter really... If you would just open the door. Anything can be redone. Anything can be polished, and cleaned. Or at least dealt with But no... I am here, in my room alone. So none of it can be. Here I am alone. I am suppose to know that there is love... Somewhere in that hallway. Somewhere, outside there...where you walk. There are thoughts of love. But, still I am alone. With the echoings of my thoughts. I am left alone. You have a life after all. Some of it..no no Most of it does not involve me. Because that Us. Is more or less a you with them. And sometimes when I am lucky I Not, that it was not always a little like that. We are an Us. Not a universe upon itself. But still I am alone And thinking...always thinking. What did I do to be left here? Is this a toy? Am I a doll? That a child has left behind. A shoe that has gotten tossed under the bed? Ought I really to be any of that? I do not think so. Perhaps, you shall know this. If you every come back. Perhaps I can tell you this When I am not alone... Many words have been spoken About the purity of love. Descriptive words there have been many. And yet, I try to use none I have no failed yet Are you not proud? Perhaps you would be If you were here But yet I am alone. I can bare almost anything for love I can sit and speak of light. Heaven's light, because you have the Faith in that The love of God. The love of Angels Of Lucifer Of the mortals. The perfect That which is riddled with imperfections. I can do that For you For US But I need someone to talk to. I need to have someone besides me And yet...I sit alone. I am alone. I am left alone. I can only go so far this way I would tell you softly If you were here Come and sit beside me And we can go to Heaven And we can go to Hell But how can I? I am alone In purgatory I am left alone. It is the Essence. Alone Beauty marked this page on... Friday, February 22, 2002; 10:22 p.m.

Angel Sanctuary

Your Results Page # 1 Mudou Sara # 2 Alexiel # 3 Arakune # 4 Katou Yue # 5 Zaphkiel # 6 Mudou Setsuna # 7 Raphiel # 8 Rociel # 9 Uriel # 10 Kira Sakuya # 11 Kurai # 12 Lucifer # 13 Madhatter # 14 Michael Beauty marked this page on... Monday, February 18, 2002; 01:06 a.m.

You are Edea! Selfless and stong-willed, you have the ability to do a lot of good. Luckily for the world, that's usually your intention. If you were ever corrupted by evil, we would all be in serious trouble. On top of all that, you're pretty sexy. Take the Final Fantasy 8 Test here! Beauty marked this page on... Monday, February 18, 2002; 12:54 a.m.

What is YOUR Highschool label? Beauty marked this page on... Monday, February 18, 2002; 12:23 a.m.

Valentine's Day Entry

That is right, for me it is still feels like Valentine's Day? Why is that you may ask? Because I have not gone to bed yet...no really, because the feeling is still with me. So what did I do today?Well starting off, I went to school, argh. I went to Math, and luckily the homework that I had skimped on, was not really due. However, to my dismay we had moved on to another chapter, and this chapter was of course harder. But, I think I will do ok in it, if I try hard enough and with enough help and support from family and friends. I think I can actually do College Math. Another note, it was also very nice when the teacher acknowledged my existance, and actually spoke to me. It also gives me hope that, maybe I can do better now that I see him as more of a approachable person then, human math god. Well, not god, but it just gave him a more human side, I liked it. Moving on,I went to go get a scantron for the next class Child devleopment. And guess how I saw in the store?My mother, my stepmother, Erin, that is right. She asked me what I was doing there, and I told her about the scantrons. Moving on, I took the test and made the mistake of waiting for someone. Walking to the bustops, one of them anyway, I was distracted by a goffer or groundhog or something. I do not know about anyone else but those things are ugly. Up to that point, my day was not going that well. The only Happy Valentine's Day I got was from the bus driver, when he dropped me off. Anyway, I am skipping some things...so I ended up getting two roses for Jean. I liked them, they were not that deep red color, but instead was a softer paler shade of cream with that pink tent, or is it peach, at any rate, it was beautiful. It was disappointing, knowing I could only afford two. I spent most of the day with Jean, at her work, it turns out she had to work overtime...I watched her for awhile. I turned in a job applictaion as well. I could really use the money, it would be nice to be able to be not at the mercy of my parents and creditors alike. I really wish that people would treat her better at work, they seem to be really dorky their. I mean, taking advantage, manipulative. I am talking of someone imparticular, but, I do not like to see her put in a situation like that. Her life is difficult enough, stressful enought without her having to run around that place, with fake, plastic almost certainly stupid people. I called Jasmine today, it was nice hearing from her always. We talked for longer, then usual or should I say we were on the phone, and though nothing was said, I think it was still meaningful. I wish today would have been better for her, instead of filled with annoying boys. Sometimes, I wonder if they are really necessary at all. Given, all of them are not bad, but a big portion of them, have there brain leaking out of there ears. And many a girl has been plagued with them. I know she is a strong girl, and she can handle them. But for pete's sake no one should have to go through with them. It is a waste of time and energy. My hat goes off to her for her tolerance of them. I hope tomorrow is better for her. Crab-baby, also know as Touga, she is a new person in my life, and I thought she was significant enough to give mention here. She spent all of yesterday, telling me that I was going to love V-day. That I would talk to Rebecca, that everything would be wonderful. I cynically replied, mmmmhm. Anyway, I would just like to publically admit that, yes she was right. I also sent her an E-card. I would have sent one to Jasmine, but I am absent minded and will get her e-mail tomorrow. Anyway, I would like to thank her for her continued support, and wish her a happy V-day again. Finally, if you have noticed, with all this talk of V-day none of it has been about Rebecca. Odd right? Not really, I am saying it for the last, since I think it will be the longest, most suprising, well not suprising but to me interesting. So, I called Koi, a couple of times, for those of you who do not know, Koi is Rebecca. The first two times, I got the answering machine. The third, I got her mother, but I could barely understand word, so I hung up. Finally, in Borders' I got through to her. It turned out that the package I sent there, had gotten there Early. Meaning before Valentine's day, and that her mother had given her the slip, too late today for her to pick it up. She said she would do it tomorrow, and I hope that she adores what I got her. Touga, was right, talking to her made so much of a difference, I know not that silence, would never be right between us, or maybe it is just me, no it is us. At any rate, I have made new resolve to get in contact with her as often as I can. Meaning, that I will try at least once a day. I should run this by her, because I do think it is imporatant. At any rate, when I got home, there was a letter on my desk. It was from Rebecca, it starts like this, I've told you so many times that I love you, and I do, but I wish I had another way to express it, a way no one else in the world uses... How can you expect it to be anything else but wonderful, by far the most beautiful meaningful card, I have ever recieved, and I love her all the more for it, it was a beautiful suprise, and I almost want to frame it. But I do not really have a frame. Anyway, a sublime card, I made a realization tonight, that sooner or later, all the words, that you do not say. If they are the truth...if they are concerning a certan subject, like say love, will peremate and will be revealed, if it s really meant. And such was the case tonight. All, in all it was beautiful. I hope she loves my gift as much as I loved hers. As you can see, it was a beautiful day, filled with best friends,companions, friends and lovers. Truly graceful, truly ethereal. Beauty marked this page on... Friday, February 15, 2002; 1:52a.m.

Gackt's Vanilla

Kimiwa seijitsuna moralist kireina yubide bokuwo nazoru Bokuwa junsuina terrorist kimino omougamamani kakumeiga okiru Koini shibarareta specialist nagai tsumewo taterareta boku Aiwo tashikametai egoist kimino okumade tadoritsukitai Kimino kaoga to-zakaru ah bokuga boku de nakunaru maeni Aishitemo iikai? Yureru yoruni Arugamama de iiyo motto fukaku Kuruoshii kuraini nareta kuchibiruga tokeau hodoni Boku wa... kimino... vanilla "...nante kidorigusi" sonna cool na kimi wa plastic Atsui ma nazashi niwa ecologist sonna moeru kuchizuke ga modokashii Yugandeiku kimi no kao ga ah bokuga boku de iraremasu yo-ni Aishitemo iikai? Yureru yoruni Arugamama de iiyo motto hayaku Kuruoshii kuraini nareta kuchibiruga kotoba nante mou Kimi to... boku not... burning love ah ikutsu asa wo mukaereba ah yoru wa owarunodaro-ka ah sora ni chiribamerareta ah shiroi hana ni kakomarete iku Aishitemo iikai? Yureru yoruni Arugamama de iiyo "I've seen a tail" (Kuyashii kuraini kimini hamatterunoni) A crew sees cring knees, I wanna need. Not betray !! Aishitemo iikai? Yureru yoruni Arugamama de iiyo motto kimiwo Kuruoshii kuraini nareta koshitsuki ga tokeau hodoni Kimiwa...bokuno...ban-nin da Beauty marked this page on... Monday, February 11, 2002; 02:14 a.m.